Please recommend some good books for me on marriage communication, and just counseling. Me and my husband have a big problem with communication, we argue about dumb small things that i believe are because we can't communicate with each other effectively. We do love each other, but he seems to be upset because im not that lovey dovey person that's all over him constantly, and that's what he want's, It's very difficult for me to change and be that person. Please tell me if theres some books i can read to help my marriage.
So many times we, men and women, miscommunicate because we are wired differently and have trouble understanding each other. That's why I recommend John Gray's, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I've also listened to "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and there are some wonderful thoughts on how we as individuals each have our own styles and help to understand the other's style of relating. Finally, I haven't read but see some excellent reviews of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, and Nan Silver.
What you will find through all of these, is two basic principles at work, 1 as taught by Steven Covey, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The larger part of communication is listening for understanding of what is in the other's heart, and how best to release the love that is in their heart. The other is part of my personal philosophy of choosing love over power. Love does not seek to control another, but to give freedom of choice and to find the best in the other. The best method of communication I have found beyond listening, to express my wants and needs is using "I" statements to clarify my point of view without imposing my standards on another. For Instance, "When you ask for book recommendations, I want to share what I have found helpful." is an I statement that gives my point of view without invalidating your point of view, which might be different. An "I" statement is generally in the format of "when you, then I" Another for instance might be, "When you get upset because I am not lovey dovey, then I feel even less lovey dovey." On the other hand when you….. fill in the blank… I feel more lovey dovey. I hope you find this helpful. May the Blessings Be