Marriage counseling question. I love my husband and find fulfillment in every sense with him except sexually
May 7th, 2009
we’ve been together for ~6years. At first all was good. Then things turned ugly when he started cheating. We split many times, I went through deep depressions. He would beg to come back and we did, each time. He was the perfect man in every sense except I didnt trust him and would think of other women with him. This started affecting me sexually through time where I could not focus. About 1 year ago he made a drastic change in which he decided to be non-cheating, homebody husband. The problem is that now, my sexual evolution has gotten worse to the point where I dread having sex with him. I dont think about the other women anymore. I am just NOT excited by him anymore, though I find him physically attractive. I’ve tried a romantic getaway, and new ways but still hard for me to get into the moment. I cannot enjoy myself with him – get aroused.
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Is this reason enough to leave my marriage or am I being unrealistic?
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I think if he has really changed, then you need to find a way to heal what was damaged by his actions. I suggest for you to go to counseling on your own, without him present and see if you can’t work through the issues his actions caused. Until you fully forgive him and open yourself up to him again, you may not be able to be sexually satisfied by him. Sexual satisifaction requires you to be open and it is hard to be open with someone who has betrayed you as much as your husband has. Sex is an important part of a marriage relationship and it begins to degrade the relationship when the intimacy is gone. Not to mention it makes you vulnerable to seeking satisfaction else where. You don’t want to do the same thing he did to you, to him. I hope that helps a little. Hang in there girl, you have gotten this far, you can get through the rest of it 
January 8th, 2009 at 5:10 am
if you don’t want to have sex with him, then ask for an open marriage…
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January 8th, 2009 at 5:52 am
I don’t think it’s reason enough to leave him. If he’s genuinely changed, you need to try to find the source of your problem for both your sakes. If he intuits that you aren’t attracted to him, and the sex is bad for him, he’s probably going to resort to cheating again.
I suspect you still have difficulty with sex because you are subconsciously remembering all the other women he was with behind your back. I’d suggest more counseling.
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January 8th, 2009 at 6:38 am
It is reason enough but I think there is still hope here. First off, after you have been cheated on multiple times over the course of several years it is not easy to just repair all that damage in your relationship. I think you two need to spend more time just reconnecting and not worrying so much about the sexual side of things. Sexual arousal occurs when you feel comfortable and safe with someone and obviously your not there yet which means there are still things to work on.
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January 8th, 2009 at 7:17 am
You need to start giving your body and soul to your husband or he’s going back to his old ways, sorry but your attitude about sex is probably why he cheated in the past.
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My wifes attitude about sex she doesn’t know I’m cheating.
January 8th, 2009 at 7:41 am
in my opinion, once someone has made an honest, all out effort, sometimes issues come along that just can’t be fixed. if they are stressful and upsetting enough, then yes, they are reasons to end a relationship.
i guess you owe it to yourself to be happy as a person. if this upsets you to the point where you cannot be happy as a whole, then i would say it is time to declare it dead and move on.
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I no you may be turned off from your husband and his cheating ways. But you two decide that you wanted to make it work. You have to find it within you forgive him or leave him. Sex is a very important role within any marriage. If you don’t please him he will go back to cheating. If you can’t forgive him enough to please him sexually you need to go your wya. Good luck
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January 8th, 2009 at 8:51 am
You probably havent forgiven him completely. As humans we tend to hold in disdain anyone who thinks little of us, in other words, he disrespected you so many times and hurt you as well, so you close your heart and build a wall around your heart to avoid more pain, so you need to conciously deal with everything. Talk to him about how yu feel and tell him you letting go of the past, things might not change immediately, but thats a starting point. he might need to affirm you continously especially sexually.
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January 8th, 2009 at 9:22 am
No, it’s not enough reason to leave. There are so many issues here that might be easy to resolve. Did you ask him why he would cheat? I mean, ask in a non-judgmental way. Was it that he needed validation? Was it that he wanted some sexual acts that you refuse to perform? I’m not trying necessarily to fault you. He could have been cheating because he is non-committal and it’s all at his end. But he has now proven that he is loyal. So, try and find out how you could spice up your sex life for the two of you. At the same time, ask yourself what you fantasize about, what turns you on, and share that with him.
Most important, ask yourself the following: have you really forgiven him? Or are you still hurt and expressing your feelings by keeping away from him sexually?
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January 8th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I think if he has really changed, then you need to find a way to heal what was damaged by his actions. I suggest for you to go to counseling on your own, without him present and see if you can’t work through the issues his actions caused. Until you fully forgive him and open yourself up to him again, you may not be able to be sexually satisfied by him. Sexual satisifaction requires you to be open and it is hard to be open with someone who has betrayed you as much as your husband has. Sex is an important part of a marriage relationship and it begins to degrade the relationship when the intimacy is gone. Not to mention it makes you vulnerable to seeking satisfaction else where. You don’t want to do the same thing he did to you, to him. I hope that helps a little. Hang in there girl, you have gotten this far, you can get through the rest of it
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Personal experience.
January 8th, 2009 at 10:25 am
If you gotten tested and checked by a doctor and everything is fine. Then maybe you just haven’t forgiven him. Being cheated on is a very traumatic experience and can lead to stress which can lead to other physical diseases where Hopefully you guys have gone to counseling to repair your marriage because it is not going to repair itself even with time. Women tend to be more emotional then physical. If we can’t trust you, forgive you then its hard to be physical with you. So make sure that you actually forgive him if you want you marriage to work.
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January 8th, 2009 at 11:10 am
that´s not enough reason at all to leave your marriagee after 6yrs,your thinking have turned everything upside down from the way they used to be before when you were at the starting point of your love life!the thing here is to bring things to how they were at the begining.you started thinking about him with other women,and this in a relationship,definatly affects one perfomance sexually!maybe this the time he decided to go out for satisfaction.but you´re everything for each other and you couldn´t get apart from each other!now he have changed and you have a chance to get what you want,cheating on you no more means that.he is there for and he belong fully to you!now its time for you to change the attitude toward how you see him,see him as how you used to him at first and things will turn to how they used to be!he is waiting,show it now before he goes!
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