Comments on: How do I talk my husband into marriage counseling?

By: momto5gramsto1

momto5gramsto1 — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:11:59 +0000

You must be hurting very deeply. Losing trust in your spouse can be one of the most devastating things one ever has to deal with, but you can change things if you work on it and I would advise you to especially if you have children. I think it would be wise for you to go and talk to someone without your spouse first. Get these things off your chest in a healthy way. As far as asking questions surrounding his affair, be very careful of that. What you hear may linger too much in your mind and prevent you from ever really letting go of what he did. I am speaking from past experience. I had to know every detail when my first husband cheated on me six months into our marriage, which in turn created more trust issues and insecurities in me. We went to counseling, but it wasn't as helpful as I thought it would be. He hated talking to someone else about what he did, but I needed to talk to someone about it. (I then read an excellent book that helped me a great deal called, "Love Must Be Tough," by Dr. Dobson.) I vowed to leave if my husband ever cheated again and made that very clear to him. Twelve years and three children later I did just that. The entire experience…the cheating and his abuse made me a much wiser and much stronger woman. When I look back I am thankful that I stayed because it made me who I am today and because I have my beautiful children. I sometimes think had I not known all of the details that maybe I could have truly forgiven him and things would have been better between us, but somewhere deep inside I just couldn't get the thoughts/visions of him with her out of my head and never really trusted him again. This is why I tell you to be careful of what you want to know…sometimes it's better not knowing.
As for making him go to counseling, I would go without him and determine what you want from it. Then, if you really want him to go, let him know what it means to you. Do NOT keep those feelings bottled up. It will only make matters worse. Talk, talk and talk some more until you figure out what you need and want. Stay strong, but don't hold back your tears either! My heart goes out to you and my thoughts and prayers are with you! Take care!
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By: TurboElmo

TurboElmo — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:05:59 +0000

I applaud you for your courage and effort to make it work again. Your husband's reluctance could be due to his fear that the counselling session will require him to dig out all the details of the affair and take him on a guilt trip. A good counsellor will focus on the now and how to face the future. So you will probably have to see the counsellor first and work out with him/her what you really want out of the sessions. It will also prepare the counsellor on how to approach your husband (when he finally agrees to it). The counsellor may also advice you on how to bring up the subject gently to your husband. The key is to allay your husband's fear and tell him the benefits of the session. Hope this helps.
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By: carol h

carol h — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:21:59 +0000

Just sit down with him and let him know you still love him. Then explain that you feel that you need some counseling because you are having a hard time with things. Tell him you just want to get past this in a healthy way to make sure that you do things right together. Be honest and tell him this is important to you and your continuing marriage. You just need a little help in putting things in the right place. Tell him this is not to embarrass him or bring him down but, to build each other up. Your trust was broken and he could do at least that much for all it put you through. I think what you need from him at this point is to know what kind of preventative measures he will take from it ever happening again. You and your husband need to talk about it and the counseling would be the best thing to help you both through it. Good Luck Sweetie.
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By: Le_Roche

Le_Roche — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 13:10:59 +0000

Be honest with him. Begin by telling him that the affair has been hard on both of you, and you appreciate his efforts. Let him know that you are still wrestling with the affair, and have done both of you a disservice by keeping things bottled up. Tell him that you'd like for the two of you to go to a marriage counselor; a professional's input could get back on track and stay on track. Finally, remind him that you love him and see counseling as a way of strengthening your marriage. He may or may not go, but you've put it out there. If he chooses not to go, then you go by yourself. Encourage him to join you, but please go whether he wants to or not. A good counselor will help you put it all in perspective and give you tools to work things out. Good for you for wanting to work things out!
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By: lonewolf1

lonewolf1 — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 12:37:59 +0000

If you can get past it then fine, so long as he does not smell like her,,,,,,anymore,,,,,,
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By: ttousita

ttousita — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 12:20:59 +0000

First, you have to be honest with both your and him. Tell him that you feel that you both need it but also let him know that you see he is trying. You just feel that maybe a marriage counselor could help with you not keeping things bottled up? Then you need to tell him. If he is as remorseful as you say, then he should be willing to contribute in order to save the marriage. Good Luck!!
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By: whtcamp

whtcamp — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 11:47:59 +0000

Only you can convince him. I will only give you one important piece of advice though. Be very, very careful on the counsellor you pick. My wife and I were desperate for advice we just picked one out of the phone book and it was the worst thing we ever did. It did as much to get us a divorce as the rest of our troubles. If you are religious see a priest or pastor that you know, if not, make sure you spare no money and get a reputable one who takes an interest in your problem instead of more interested in money. You will be able to tell. Counselling is going to be a very important step to resolving and settling this.
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By: TygerLily

TygerLily — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 10:59:59 +0000

Go yourself and if it's necessary for him to become involved later you can invite him. There are so many emotions tied to this you need to talk to someone. if the option is there for you, take it. Your wellness is as important as an individual as it is as part of a couple. When and if it becomes important for him to go to counseling, tell him that it will help you if he is there. In other words, own the problem. I need your help in my counseling. See the language, now you try. And yes, you have the right to work on your marriage. I wish you well.
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By: kiki

kiki — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 10:43:59 +0000

1. convince him that is was his decision to seek counsel.
2. never make it seem like a chore to go to counselling.
3. don't criticize your husband in counselling. only talk about subject matter that is relevant to why you are there.
4. take him to his favourite bar or restaurant after sessions.
5. stress positive results even if you don't think there are any, there will be.
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By: lesley w

lesley w — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 10:22:59 +0000

dumped him one bitten twice eaten,
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